A Window

What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory!

Every now and then, we encounter a window in life. It won’t last forever. Do we step through, or do we let the opportunity pass us by?

One window that I allowed to pass by-and I’ve always regretted it-was when the Exxon Valdez had that horrible oil spill in Alaska. Volunteers were need to help clean up the birds and beaches. I could have gone, but I hesitated and the window closed. It’s always haunted me. I wonder if my life was meant to take a different turn had I gone.

I also had a window in my life after my divorce. At first, I stayed still. I worked and socked aside money. One day, when I found myself in bed with pneumonia, I knew another window was before me. Would I go on with a life that didn’t resonate with my soul, in a job I hated, or would I dare to do otherwise.

I dared to do otherwise and for that I’m immensely grateful.

As I contemplate events now, I see a different window, not one of my own making.

I nestle in this house, this life I’ve created, and it is so beautiful, comfortable and familiar.

I want to stay.

But I have to leave. It’s mid February and I’ve had zero information on the ThinkTLC platform since September.

I’m facing another window in my life.

“As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm. Jump. It is not as wide as you think.” -Joseph Campbell

On a personal front, if I want to travel some more, this is the chance. I had hoped to travel with ThinkTLC, returning to my home and feline family. Adventure in a more controlled sense. But the prospect of being #HomelessWithCancer demands a new degree of boldness.

If I fast forward ahead a few years (or even months) and my cancer becomes active again, I will be facing more treatment. With an indolent lymphoma (and hopefully it stays indolent!), I should have some time before I have to make treatment decisions. But as I look at the downward spiral my health and fitness have taken over the last several years, I know that anything that lies ahead of me will also take its toll. Another round of chemo will further diminish my quality of life. If I want to do some things, the time is now. And while I would never have choreographed this set of circumstances, I can turn them into an opportunity.

This blog is helping me process the radical changes my life is about to undergo. Thank you for reading my vacillations, as I wrestle with comfort vs. adventure; trust vs. betrayal; stay vs. go. In search of some inspiration, I surfed the web this morning:

“To uncover your true potential you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them.”
— Picabo Street

“The brave may not live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all.”
– Ashley L.

“The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise.”
— Tacitus, Roman historian

“Come to the edge, He said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, He said.
They came. He pushed them,
And they flew . . .”
— Guillaume Apollinaire, French poet

I do know how to fly.