A cancer diagnosis takes many of us on a road trip into our own souls, to discover meaning, perspective and perhaps a new path for our life. My discussion with Wendy ranged over so many topics, that rather than try to segment each one in a short video, I decided to simply share the entire discussion.
Wendy Wagner, PhD: A Road Trip Into The Psyche, Part 2
“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable.
Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart.
But that’s okay.
The journey changes you; it should change you.
It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness,
on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you.
If you’re interested in learning more about photography (or cooking or film or any number of topics) check out MasterClass All-Access Pass for on-line excellence:
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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory!
If you’re a film buff, The Matrix is the massively popular film starring Keanu Reeves as Neo. In the film, Neo discovers that his “reality” is a manufactured illusion. Nothing he perceives is real. And as he dives into The Matrix, his education begins.
In a similar fashion, this Matrix Series is intended to shake up some of our preconceptions and to explore a deeper, more meaningful and consciously created life. Through interviews with people across numerous disciplines, we explore the elements that make up our Matrix, those daily choices that determine our thoughts and our experiences.
I am delighted to introduce Wendy Wagner, PhD in this first interview for the new Matrix Series.
Meet Wendy E. Wagner, PhD
“My emphasis is on the correct use of the mind and mindfulness, choosing which thoughts to think.The art of thought, the art of choice.”
Wendy is a cancer survivor with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology from Tufts University, a Masters’ Degree in Transpersonal Psychology from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology from Summit University. She is also also certified as a Master Hypnotist, an Addictions Counselor by the West Coast Institute of Addictive Studies, and a Mindfulness Coach and Doula.
“The source of most disease is in the spirit. Therefore, the spirit can cure most disease.”
–Nicola Tesla
Cancer is a traumatic event for most of us. If we’re honest, it’s a call to pay attention to our body and our soul. How do we use the trauma to grow and heal? What part does our psyche play in healing? How do we enlist the power of our mind?
Wendy and I had a wide ranging discussion about using cancer as a portal towards becoming more conscious. The interview runs over an hour, so I’ve cut it down into shorter segments. In this post are the first three segments.
A Cosmic Cattle Prod
Wendy talks frankly about her own cancer diagnosis, which she calls a “Cosmic Cattle Prod”. It forced her to go within to discover the strength needed to move forward with cancer.
Ancient cultures consider severe illness to be a portal to the soul. The experience is seen as a gateway, a narrow portal, being presented that opens to a totally different dimension if we take the opportunity.
Everything that happens is for your benefit
Wendy has had a number of influential mentors over the years. One posed three statements to ponder:
Everything happens for your benefit
The body is an effect of the mind
There are no neutral thoughts
One can agree or disagree, but each opens a fascinating portal for exploration and discovery.
If one were to approach life from a perspective of learning, what might one learn?
Creating Your Reality With Thought
Science is beginning the explore the power of our minds and its influence on our world view. As Einstein once asked:
“Is the world a friendly place?”
Your answer matters.
If you answer yes, your life experience is one of relative security and curiosity.
If not, it’s one of fear and conflict.
Which path do you choose? Because it is a choice.
Visit Wendy’s website for more videos on her thoughts on the power of the mind.
If you’re interested in learning more about photography (or cooking or film or any number of topics) check out MasterClass All-Access Pass for on-line excellence:
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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory!
I often refer to the collection of ideas, thoughts, values and perspectives as our Matrix. We each have one that is influenced by our past and our future; by our culture and habits; by our conscious and subconscious.
Our Matrix is not set in stone. Rather, it’s whatever we choose, consciously or not.
I have been on many sides of my own Matrix. Life wish, death wish. Deep disappointment. Joy. Pessimism. Accomplishment. Defeat.
But over the years I’ve found a steadier balance, one of deep connection, care and optimism.
The Matrix is a new section of the blog. I’ll be featuring different people and thoughts on a wide range of topics, all looking at how we construct our Matrix.
My motivation for doing this is cancer (obviously).
I have come to believe strongly that we–as individuals and as a society–are mired in a Matrix that just isn’t working. Forty percent of us (according to the American Cancer Society) will have a cancer diagnosis in our lifetime.
This isn’t just a series of diseases; this is an epidemic. For numbers like this to exist, I have to believe:
There’s something seriously wrong with our Matrix.
Our food, our water, and our air are part of an environmental Matrix. But so are our choices and our thoughts.
Dean Ornish, M.D. (and many others) have shown that we have control of our health destiny through our genetic expression. Genetic expression, in turn, is partly a function of our daily habits and choices.
And our outlook. Because our brain impacts our biology.
The Matrix will explore people, thoughts and ideas on how we might construct better health and well being. And anything is game!
So I hope you’ll stay tuned as this new section of the blog is developed.
What’s in Your Matrix?
What’s in your matrix?
For many years I had a material matrix. I wanted a nice house, a home base. I finally had one only when I divorced. And I filled it with beautiful things and the stuff of adventure. A kayak to explore; old maps that traced how our world view changed over time; books to follow the tales of others. It was a combination of physical, intellectual and tangible exploration.
Relationships, jobs, schools…they are all part of our matrix.
I’ve had various relational matrixes as part of my life. I went to such and such a school; I married so and so; I lived here or there. I know so and so. Dog owner, cat owner, employer, employee. We all know how that goes.
But my favorite matrixes have been the experiential. Because experience is exquisitely present moment and therefore boundless.
I love the experience of a new place, full of possibility and surprise.
“Travel is about the gorgeous feeling of teetering in the unknown.”
–Anthony Bourdain
And in the unknown is a bit of adventure.
If you could consciously construct your Matrix, what would you choose? Would you be willing to go on an adventure, to let go of the old and familiar, to build a new path forward?
Is your Matrix material, relational, experiential, spiritual? Or perhaps a bit of each?
Ultimately, our Matrix is whatever we want it to be.
And that’s where healing travel comes in,
to help us shake up our lives and reconsider our Matrix.
Because…
Travel surprises.
Travel challenges.
And travel can heal.
It heals by forcing us to look at ourselves and at our world anew.
“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable.
Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart.
But that’s okay.
The journey changes you; it should change you.
It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness,
on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you.
If you’re interested in learning more about photography (or cooking or film or any number of topics) check out MasterClass All-Access Pass for on-line excellence:
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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory!
Alas, scanxiety is a constant companion; I can never fully escape the implications of life with cancer.
Last time I saw an oncologist was in 2016 and I was incredibly sick. I was vomiting and unable to keep food down. Throw in a bit of bright red blood, crippling stomach pains, and you get the picture.
I was absolutely distraught about what was going on in my life. I was losing what I perceived to be everything: my house, my family, my livelihood. The people who worked with me lost jobs; one had to file for bankruptcy.
Yet my oncologist did not ask even a single personal question. My circumstances and concerns didn’t factor into his care. He just suggested tests and more tests; he hinted at new cancers that might be arising; he needed to rule them out with a barrage of intrusive, inhuman technology. And let’s not forget the possibility of cancer as a result of previous treatment, and a correlation between lymphoma and other types of cancer.
But it didn’t take $30,000 worth of tests or a barrage of statistical studies. I knew what was wrong. It was December 2016 and I was under massive stress.
And the stress was literally killing me.
My decision to forgo any medical advice or intervention, sell my house and simply walk away isn’t one I necessarily recommend to anyone else. But for me, it was ultimately the right one. On some intuitive level I realized I needed to find a major reset.
Finding oneself (not totally broke) but homeless with cancer is most interesting.
You don’t want to look ahead to the implications of the incomprehensible stress and what it may mean for your future health. The past is past; the dye has been cast. No one know what lies ahead.
But in the moment, you are totally free. That is the magic and
The beauty of travel.
When flight sets you free. Photo credit: Casey Horner
So it has been, month after month, for a year now.
But it is June 2018 and I have decided I need some information about my health.
That means the scanxiety returns.
Is the cancer growing again? Did the stress of everything manifest itself in my body? If so, will I opt for treatment, or not?
What is on my absolute bucket list if my time is more limited than I’d like?
Yet how can I deal with yet another doctors office, where impersonal staff that asks the same questions again and again, and care only about payment? Where cancer patients sit passively in waiting room chairs, with the grey pallor of chemo on their skin and the chemical scent of death in the air? How can I deal with yet another disconnected doctor delivering gruesome news, without any understanding or care?
I can’t.
But I decide to go on a quest for an internist because I have decided I need some data about my health. And I may have found what I am seeking.
He is youngish. Fortyish I would guess. Which is a good age for a doctor. Seasoned, but still current. And he is of a generation that has more insight into life work balance. He has opted for a practice that allows him to be with his young family.
And he has a cancer story to tell, of his father who died at 48. He watched the treatments waste his father even faster than the cancer could. And he watched his father’s wishes for some peace in his time left ignored. He has lived the emotional terrain of this disease and he understands my scanxiety.
The doctor volunteers to run a blood panel for me, allowing me to avoid the oncology office, at least for now. At this point, I can read my own blood tests, but I let him deliver the results.
And I breathe.
Not perfect, but nothing of immediate life threatening concern.
I get through all these medical situations by bravely steeling myself, and dealing with what ever comes up. I live in my mind. My mind can read cancer studies, understand statistics, and make decisions. My mind can ignore my emotions.
But as soon as I leave, I deflate like a broken balloon. The stress and the uncertainty of scanxiety always dissolves into tears. This is a cycle and a response that I know too well. But I can’t seem to break it. It is how I handle this ghoulish sequence of repeating life events.
Perhaps because of these intervals of scanxiety, I have learned to live life in between much more fully. And with heart. Because heart felt living is part of the key to living well. Our mind may influence our biology, but our heart offers access to a deep well of wisdom within us.
So it’s ok if I cry. I don’t really cry enough, everything considered. The tears are a conduit for purging the stress from my system. I want to get out of my mind and into my heart and into the present, and tears are my path. My path to my soul.
When the heart weeps for what it has lost,
the soul laughs for what it has found.
–Sufi aphorism
Photo by Casey Horner
***
In “When Breath Becomes Air” neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi, when diagnosed with cancer, wrote of the relief of not dealing with so much competition and stress anymore. David Servan-Schreiber, MD,PhD (DSS) (diagnosed with a brain tumor) makes a similar observation. These successful, striving people were stopped in their tracks, forced to reassess their lives by a disease that would ultimately end them. DSS lived to be 50 or so. Paul died in his thirties. Faced with a dire cancer diagnosis, both faced choices about how they lived the rest of their lives. (See the CancerBookClub discussion here.)
I know how they both felt, about achievement, stress and accomplishment. And I understand how cancer can change our perspective on what creates a successful life.
How do we measure success? I look at my own attempts to navigate society’s matrix and I cringe:
In college, I spent a summer training for the squash team, to earn the number 2 place on the varsity squad (then lost it in a match played with the flu). I majored in finance at Wharton because it was the hardest thing to do. I commuted from Philadelphia to New York every day for more than a year, rising in the dark and returning home after dark, even in summer.
I worked insane hours at the behest of an incompetent boss. I outright lied about him in my exit interview to assure his ascent up the corporate ladder and my own good references. I did deals that made no sense because they were politically driven, not necessarily economically viable. I put aside nearly two decades of my life for a husband whose parting words were “I never loved you”. I gave and I gave and I gave and I came up empty again and again.
These mountains that you were carrying you were only supposed to climb
Najwa Zebian
Photo by Cyrill Hänni
I suspect that I am not alone in some of these experiences. I performed for praise and for a place at the table. Little did I know I was sitting at the wrong table.
One has to ask, what are we doing to ourselves? Why do we persist in such obviously maladaptive behavior, generation after generation? What set of standards are we seeking and setting, individually and as a society?
In my own quest for health I have come to the conclusion that our lives and this matrix we live in are far unhealthier than we even image.
Mental health is never addressed until someone blows up. Many of us live with decades of psychological pain buried, unbeknownst to ourselves, in our bodies. We act out this pain again and again, going nowhere.
Glyphosate invades our food supply. It’s in the soil in Napa. These and other chemicals and opioid drugs are found in our water.
We are social creatures, yet community is a buzz word, often far removed the reality of life where our garage and elevator doors open and close behind us, and processed food can be delivered to our door.
We are externally oriented, driven by baubles and bubbles.
We buy into society’s matrix, believing it is real, and in doing so ignore the deep reservoirs of human knowing within.
And 40% of us will get a cancer diagnosis. Not to mention a host of other diseases.
What’s wrong with this picture?
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
–Buddha
Ask yourself: How do you care for yourself? Your family? Are you connected to your soul?
Ask your heart. Then be still and just listen.
Let your heart lead you to your own inner wisdom
***
Travel is the perfect metaphor for a journey within. Even if one must go down the rabbit hole of scanxiety. I suspect I will always be juggling scanxiety and my own contrary desires for ignorance and information. I think I am coming to err on the side of information once again, so I am moving towards resolution, whatever that may be, at least for the moment.
Cancer sucks. There is no debating that. It is a death of sorts. But it’s also life because there is wisdom to be found in the experience. If you could reexamine and remake your life, what would you choose?
Would it be houses and cars and clothes? Status and stuff?
Or would you choose to respect the earth and our food? Your own body and choices? Would you choose beauty? Harmony? Love?
How would those choices impact those around you?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
–Mahatma Gandhi
Change starts one person at a time. Never underestimate the impact you can have on others. Never underestimate the power of a single step.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
***
Many ancient civilizations have a wisdom that we seem to have lost in the busyness of our lives. It is one of the things that fascinates me about perspectives on health and healing. What can we learn from the past to move us forward, in our world today?
“The people of this planet are forgetting how to experience outside the tyrannical habits of their minds.”
Thirty years ago I would not have understood this. I was mired in a matrix of accomplishment, status and stuff. I knew something was missing. I just didn’t know it was me.
It was flying that opened my eyes to the world because it opened the world to my soul. That ridiculously rash act of joining MASA, buying a “hot” plane and learning to fly became a pivot point in my life experience. I used to paraphrase the best selling book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten, with All I Really Need to Know, I Learned Flying.
And all the lessons were there. It embodied risk and responsibility; fearlessness and trust; independence and interconnection; the power of the earth versus the ego of man; the beauty of the soul.
The experience of the earth from above, navigating by the invisible powers of the sky, is nothing short of astounding.
My soulful journey started in the sky. It was restarted with a cancer diagnosis, and now a travel quest. Because I’m always up for a bit of adventure. And in travel and in the quiet of my soul, I seem to find it.
Joan Halifax in her new book Standing At The Edge Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet talks about the fact that as humans, we are always in free fall. She writes: “It’s not like we will find some moral high ground where we are finally stable…It’s more like we are all falling above the infinite groundlessness of life, and we learn to become stable in flight…The final resting place is not the ground at all but rather the freedom that arises from knowing there will never be a ground, and yet here we are…navigating the boundless space of life”.
Wise words from a renown Buddhist monk.
The American Indians of the southwest also have a legacy and a culture of great wisdom, tied to the timeless wisdom of the earth. And so I choose to leave you with this quote from Chief Tecumseh. It’s a bit long, but worth reading:
Dream Catcher Photo Credit: PhotoDyaa Eldin
“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song and die like a hero going home”
Scanxiety, Cancer and Reading–Three of My Favorite Soulful Books
Learning to live with the uncertainty of cancer and the certainty of scanxiety, I have tried to find some balance between stress (like my scanxiety experience above) and day to day life. Recognizing the lack of control we actually have is eye opening, and I choose to see it not as worrisome, but as opportunity. If I have NO control, what might come up? I look for the interesting and serendipitous, and it tends to take me good places.
And I read constantly. In this age of the two minute video, I make it a point to cultivate a more enduring attention span. Here are some of the books that have touched me or that travel with me. Drop me a line (twitter or email or a comment below) and share your favorites! I’m always looking for good reading.
I love this book for its depth of soul and deep wisdom.
From Amazon:
“I recommend this book highly to everyone.” –Deepak Chopra, M.D.
“Despite the awesome powers of technology, many of us still do not live very well,” says Dr. Rachel Remen. “We may need to listen to one another’s stories again.” Dr. Remen, whose unique perspective on healing comes from her background as a physician, a professor of medicine, a therapist, and a long-term survivor of chronic illness, invites us to listen from the soul.
This remarkable collection of true stories draws on the concept of “kitchen table wisdom”– the human tradition of shared experience that shows us life in all its power and mystery and reminds us that the things we cannot measure may be the things that ultimately sustain and enrich our lives.
It’s interesting that the first time I read When Breath Becomes Air, I thought, “oh no, another doctor finally discovers his mortality”. But I read it again for CancerBookClub and it is a wonderful book. I found myself deeply relating to Paul’s predicament of having his life ripped out from under him. If you read it, make note of Emma, the oncologist. Now that is a wise woman!
From Amazon:
At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. One day he was a doctor treating the dying, and the next he was a patient struggling to live. And just like that, the future he and his wife had imagined evaporated. When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanithi’s transformation from a naïve medical student “possessed,” as he wrote, “by the question of what, given that all organisms die, makes a virtuous and meaningful life” into a neurosurgeon at Stanford working in the brain, the most critical place for human identity, and finally into a patient and new father confronting his own mortality.
What makes life worth living in the face of death? What do you do when the future, no longer a ladder toward your goals in life, flattens out into a perpetual present? What does it mean to have a child, to nurture a new life as another fades away? These are some of the questions Kalanithi wrestles with in this profoundly moving, exquisitely observed memoir.
Those that follow this blog know that I’ve become an Eckhart Tolle fan. And this book can be life changing. It echoes wisdom from the past, and incorporates Tolle’s own unique insights and experiences on spirituality and mental health. Not necessarily the easiest read, but IMO a must read.
From Amazon:
To make the journey into the Now we will need to leave our analytical mind and its false created self, the ego, behind. From the very first page of Eckhart Tolle’s extraordinary book, we move rapidly into a significantly higher altitude where we breathe a lighter air. We become connected to the indestructible essence of our Being…Although the journey is challenging, Eckhart Tolle uses simple language and an easy question and answer format to guide us.
A word of mouth phenomenon since its first publication, The Power of Now is one of those rare books with the power to create an experience in readers, one that can radically change their lives for the better.
If you’re interested in learning more about photography (or cooking or film or any number of topics) check out MasterClass All-Access Pass for on-line excellence:
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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory!
Inspiration, joy & discovery through travel. Oh, did I mention with supposedly incurable cancer?
What's on your bucket list?
Thank you for stopping by!
CancerRoadTrip is about making lemonade out of lemons.
As you read my story, you may want to start at the beginning to "grok" how CancerRoadTrip came to be. You can click here to start at the end (which is actually the beginning) and read forward! The posts are chronological, with the most recent posts appearing on the front page.
, his education begins.
by Gregg Braden
I love this book for its depth of soul and deep wisdom.
