Traveling With Cancer: A One Year Anniversary

Traveling With Cancer: A One Year Anniversary

Traveling with cancer presents its challenges but on this day, I tried to see the opportunity. It was Day One of CancerRoadTrip, one year ago.

My first stop was in Sonoma, one of those places I’ve enjoyed for more than 20 years. The rolling hills, the ocean, the lines of grapes wandering over the hillsides all come together to create a small piece of heaven on earth. And don’t forget the oysters and wine!

 

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Traveling With Cancer: Day One in Sonoma

These pictures are from my first day out on Cancer Road Trip, just about one year ago. My car was packed for four seasons. Winter boots were stashed in the Thule carrier on the car’s roof. Summer clothes in a bag in the back.

I didn’t know how to use my camera yet. I hadn’t had time to consider all the dials, settings and possibilities. It was, for the moment, a task not a companion.

Between cancer and business, fair weather friends were long gone and I found myself traveling with the words of Eric Clapton:

 

Once I lived the life of a millionaire
Spent all my money, didn’t have any care
Took all my friends out for a mighty good time
Bought bootleg liquor, champagne and wine

Then I began to fall so low
Lost all my good friends, had nowhere to go
I get my hands on a dollar again
I’ll hang on to it till that old eagle grins

‘Cause nobody knows you
When you’re down and out
In your pocket, not one penny
And as for friends, you don’t have many

When you get back on your feet again
Everybody wants to be your long-lost friend
I said it’s strange, without any doubt
Nobody knows you when you’re down and out

 

 

2018-CancerRoadTrip-Traveling-With-cancer

 

Perhaps being down and out had its positive side. I could move along, beholding to no one. I stopped at Cornerstone Garden to stretch my back; I had a bowl of wonderful mussels in Sonoma for lunch.

Cornerstone Garden Sonoma CancerRoadTrip

Artefact, an architectural salvage place in Cornerstone Gardens that I loved to frequent. It was here that I found that perfectly funky piece of teak root that doubled as a piece of natural art for my backyard. This of course required two round trips, one to buy the piece and another to transport it!

 

Traveling with cancer, CancerRoadTrip

Lunch!

Day One of traveling with cancer was one of adventure, possibility and sadness.

I was still in that in between land of attachment to the events and possessions versus the freedom of the road. Over time, less would become more and the adventure would overshadow the past.

But on Day One of my road trip, nothing was clear. Other than heading to Vashon Island to regroup, I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do. I’d ruled out a lawsuit based on cost and stress.  Half a million dollars for lawyers just wasn’t in my budget. Nor was wasting three years of my life on a group of grifters.

It was once again time to start over again.

My travels through Sonoma covered familiar territory. It was wistful and a process of relinquishing all that had been. As I drove through winding roads and vineyards, I remembered driving similar passages with Whiskey Oscar in tow. I remembered parties at vineyards and weekends with friends.

 

Cornerstone Garden Sonoma CancerRoadTrip

A stop at Chalk Hill reminded me of wine dinners and good times.  The glass structure to the left of the indoor riding rink housed a French limestone fireplace and opened to a patio overlooking the vineyards.

I remembered being without cancer.

And I remember an unforgettable night, in Sonoma, when I received a message that they had misdiagnosed my cancer.

After months of research, I had applied for a clinical trial at Stanford. It was a vaccine trial, where an individualized vaccine was created and placed into your body. The research made sense to me; it wasn’t chemo; I wanted to try it as a first line offense.

I was sitting at a table at a lovely event in Sonoma, enjoying great food and wine. A phone call came in, but I was too slow to pick up. Instead, I retrieved the message:

Stanford rejected you.

Their biopsy results show you have a different type of cancer. 

Call the office on Monday.

I just stared at my phone. A deep, dark pit of doubt and fear opened and threatened to engulf me. It would be a feeling I’d become familiar with as I navigated life with cancer.

The rejection of the clinical trail was devastating. I’d carefully constructed a safety net of data and information to guide me through what lay ahead. I’d researched clinical trials; talked to researchers and doctors; made what I thought was an informed decision.

And it was all for nought.

I was back at the beginning again with no knowledge, no plan, and perhaps no future.

I went through the rest of the three day weekend smiling, chatting, eating and drinking. But it was an out of body experience as the months of research, hope and effort went down the drain. And I still didn’t know what the diagnosis would be on Monday.

As I drive through Sonoma I think about all of this. I think about the comfort that my wonderful bedroom and the wind chimes just outside the window gave me through the various rounds of chemo. I think that it is all gone and I don’t know what to do.

 

Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.

 

Other than just go forward.

In those early days of travel, I was living on an edge of an abyss. Above was life. Below– I didn’t know and I didn’t want to look too closely. I was sure the stress would manifest itself in a re-emergence of cancer, just as it had before.

After the Rituxan (my personal drug from hell and my first unsuccessful offense against the cancer), the 6 infusions of RCVP (a chemo cocktail used to treat non-Hodgkins lymphoma) every three weeks bought me some time.

But the cancer soon came raging back. A tumor wrapped around my aorta was a source of concern. Another at the base of my skull. And tumors too numerous to count throughout my body.

And now, on the road, traveling with cancer, and quite homeless for the moment, I just didn’t want to go there again, yet I was sure that was where I was heading.

 

When you can’t change the direction the wind, adjust your sails.

–H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 

Traveling With Cancer, CancerRoadTrip

 

So I battened down the hatches and I drove.

Driving, for me, is simultaneously an act of engagement and disengagement. I drive. The terrain in Sonoma is such that one wears the road, particularly driving a manual transmission. I concentrated on what was immediately ahead. And I entered that wonderful space of now, where nothing exists except the moment.

So started CancerRoadTrip.

Oysters CancerRoadTrip Vashon Island Area

Oysters and Wine

 

Oysters and wine. Trepidation and joy. Not necessarily in that order. A walk on the coast; a visit to beautiful gardens. And a winding road into the country towards an unknown destination.

I find solace and wisdom in metaphor. And on Day One of CancerRoadTrip, traveling with cancer, disappointment and doubt, I definitely needed some solace.

 

One’s destination is never a place but a new way of seeing things. –Henry Miller

 

 

CancerRoadTrip Traveling With Cancer

Traveling With Cancer: From chaos comes order, in time.

 

Life isn’t always easy. There are times when all we know is shattered and unrecognizable and the only option is to somehow move ahead. I’m grateful I was able to trust in the journey, although I had many doubts along the way. But it is paying off, in new places, new experiences and in new perspectives.

And goodness knows I always love a bit of adventure!

My wind chimes may be packed away; my possessions in boxes; but traveling with cancer I find comfort in the words of my ancestors:

 

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again may the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.

 

CancerRoadTrip Traveling With Cancer

Irish Roadway   Photo Credit: Aranka Sinnema

Happy Anniversary, CancerRoadTrip!

 

More Reading On Traveling With Cancer

SOLD!
Road Trip!
Healdsburg to Vashon
Namaste
Weathering The Storm
Traveling the Timeline of Now

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CancerRoadTrip Traveling With Cancer

 

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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory! 

Follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, and at Anti-Cancer Club.  Connect with me!  I may need a place or two to stay along the way!

 

Weathering The Storm

Weathering The Storm

If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm. –Frank Lane

A rare spring storm brings rainfall. Everything is fresh.

I’ve been meditating twice a day. Even so, I’ve had some trouble dropping deeply into silence. Thankfully this morning, my mind stilled almost immediately, but what came up was not what I expected.

I meditate in my bedroom. One window is high on the wall and has views of cottonwood tops just starting to leaf out, a bit of adobe and streaks of morning sun. It radiates morning, possibility and promise.  I love this view.

Another window looks out into a meadow where birds sing to each other. Here the sun bathes everything in its early light. The grasses glisten; the air smells sweet. This is one of the reasons I love the morning.

CancerRoadTrip Cancer Road Trip

Photo by Rose Erkul on Unsplash

And this morning, with a passing storm, we’ve finally had a bit of rainfall. Everything feels so fresh and vibrant.

Yet I had a deep meditation that brought up all that is stale.

For whatever reason, the lingering doubt, uncertainty and pain that have been riding with me decided to make their presence known this morning. I am wise enough to know this is good. But it is also painful.

Sleeping, I had a dream. I was standing alongside a road. A procession of people arrived, one by one. In their own way, each person embodied some potential. They arrived; we seemed to talk; then they departed.

As each person left, I re-arranged the items I carried with me, each time making them more compact and portable. Finally, I slung my small knapsack over my shoulder, and I continued down the road.

In my dream, there was a total absence of feeling or emotion. I continued effortlessly on my trek, without ever looking back.

I awoke from the dream and set it aside. It wasn’t particularly troubling; just jumbled.  And then, I settled in to meditate first thing in the morning, as I always do.

But deep in my being, there was pain. And with the stillness of meditation, it emerged.  I couldn’t stop it; I couldn’t deny it; so I went deep into it. Pain is better than numbness, and I stopped to listen to what it had to say.

I suppose it was inevitable. I still have to fully mourn the events that kicked off this late life travel foray of mine. I betrayed Chanel when I broke up my home.  My home, that I poured so much love into. My so-called friends that intentionally destroyed my business life and my finances. In retrospect, I should have seen the latter coming.

And at the root of it all is cancer. The thread that sent my life onto a strange and unexpected tangent.

The intense pain I feel this morning is strangely my friend. It’s my body’s way of grabbing my attention.

But it needs to leave.

For it to leave, I need to let it go.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
–Buddha

This morning the birds are chirping more brightly. I am grounded. Grounded as pain continues to pour out. Grounded in gratitude that it is here. I know it needs to be felt, processed, and released. I am staying with it.

But my pain, if I’m honest, is one of attachment. Attachment to a past time. Attachment to a story. It really is neither here nor there; it exists only in my mind. It may have happened, but it’s in my perception and judgment that it lingers, staying alive. It doesn’t exist in the present moment, in the “Now”.

In reality, Chanel has found a good home with the socialization she needed. I could not have provided that for her. My beautiful home is no longer a burden of maintenance, taxes and repair. It has given way to beautiful travel vistas. And people…when it comes to people I’ve adopted the Oscar Wilde saying:

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

It’s just another encounter along the road.

Road trips are never what we expect. Not if we’re open to the journey. Does the next bend in the road reveal beauty or challenge? Or both?

CancerRoadTrip Cancer Road Trip New Mexico

The incredible vista of the road

This morning, with this emotional storm, I’ve had the stuffings knocked out of me and I think I’ll just pause for a bit. Feeling, being, not thinking. Just being here, now.

Road trip indeed!

Good grief, I wonder what comes next?

More On the Emotions Of A Road Trip:

Namaste
Choosing A Path
Traveling The Timeline Of Now
July 1995
Thoughts On The Metaphor Of A Road Trip

And On The Emotions Of Life With Cancer:

Life in Six Month Increments
Dreams
Traveling The Timeline Of Now
Travel Lesson: Oysters and Whatnot

An Out Of Body Experience: Getting Fit With Cancer
Woman vs. World

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If you’re interested in learning more about photography (or cooking or film or any number of topics) check out MasterClass All-Access Pass for on-line excellence:

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What is #CancerRoadTrip and how did it come to be? Read this post to get the backstory! 

Follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, and at Anti-Cancer Club.  Connect with me!  I may need a place or two to stay along the way!